There Was Something Up The Butt Of A Poker Blogger Today

Okay, I am am taking no prisoners. I am going to reveal the poker blogger who definitely had something up his butt today.

It was me.

For those of you who have no interest in reading about a colonoscopy, stop reading here. However, if you are wondering what the experience was like, read on ...

I was in my physician's office a few months ago when she asked me the dreaded question: "How old are you?" When I told her I had turned 50 earlier in the year, I knew what was coming next. She scheduled me for an appointment for a colonoscopy informational meeting, which was the first step in arranging the procedure. The meeting just reviewed stuff I had already read on the internet. My procedure was scheduled for today -- Friday, December 19.

Two days before my procedure, I received a call from my clinic, informing me that the FDA had pulled my pre-procedure medicine (basically, uber-laxtives) off the shelves of drug stores. Crap (literally and figuratively). Instead of taking two 1.5 oz doses, I was going to have to drink a half gallon of some other stuff.

The day before the procedure, I was restricted to a clear liquid diet only. No food (except jello and popsicles), no red liquids, no dairy products, etc. I worked until noon, then headed to the drug store to buy my items. I got home just in time for the PokerStars blogger tournament, knowing that my laptop might be moved to the bathroom if I went deep!

At 1:00 p.m., I took my first medication -- four laxitive tablets, and put some lemon jello in the fridge. I then had to wait two hours before I went to the next step. Just after 3:00, I mixed an extire box of laxitive powder in a half gallon of lemon lime Gatorade. Yeah - twelve one-day doses to be taken in four hours! Lots of fun drinking 8 oz of Gatorade every half hour. At least the laxitive left no taste in the Gatorade. On the other hand, I guess that is better than the stuff some other people have had to drink -- and a whole gallon at that.

I was doing fine, wondering when it was going to hit, and then ...

Oh momma ................

I made a mad rush to the bathroom. Let's just say that the laxitives worked very well ...

The rest of the evening I made several trips to the bathroom. I fell asleep while working on my laptop in bed and discovered that falling asleep after taking a mega-dose of laxitives is not a good idea. Another mad rush to the bathroom was in order.

I was able to drink clear fluids until midnight. After that, no food or drink until the procedure was over later in the morning.

I actually felt pretty good when I woke up in this morning. Maybe a clean colon does that to you. As you might guess, however, there was one area on my bod that was a tad tender. Ouch.

My wife drove me to the clinic for my check in at 10:00 a.m. They will not do the procedure unless you have a ride home since they put you under. After reviewing some paperwork, I went to the waiting area. Shortly thereafter, a nurse called me to prep me. I laid on a mobile bed and they covered me with warm towels. When it was time, I was wheeled into the room where they would do the procedure. I asked the nurses, "Hey -- is this like when you donate sperm -- am I going to get to see some porn movies?" Well at least joking around made me feel better.

It turns out that the husband of one of the nurses is an avid online poker player. Therefore the nurse had a pretty good understanding of our world. Definitely kewl.

They hooked me up to check my vitals and started an IV in me. When it was time to start, I rolled on my left side. They put the happy juice in my IV and asked me my date of birth. I was already starting to feel fuzzy and told them. Then I was out -- really quick! I think I woke up during the procedure and felt some pain, so more happy juice and I was back out. The next thing I knew, I was waking up. They pump air into your colon during the procedure, so it is important that you pass some gas immediately after the procedure. They said that most guys have no qualms about doing so - ha ha. It was actually all over very quickly.

I was a little unsteady walking out of the clinic, but felt much better after getting some food in me. Geez -- only a day and a half without food and I felt like I was starving.

It is now over twelve hours after the procedure. My colon is not back to normal, but it is getting there. If it could talk, I'm sure that it would be wondering what the hell I had been doing to it the past 36 hours!

Some of my friends who had already had a colonoscopy told me that it wouldn't be that bad. They were right. If you need to get one, don't delay. It just might save your life.