They Were Peeing in the Creek

Saturday was an interesting day as I was helping out with a program two people on my staff were hosting for the local community -- International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. Both organizers had lost a brother to suicide.

As we got through the program on  a snowy central Illinois November morning, I thought about how fortunate I have been to have never had a close relative or close friend kill her/himself. There have been some times when some family members were suicidal and even a few times when attempts were made -- with one attempt being quite close to being successful. But despite those attempts, I still never had the unfortunate experience that was shared among the session participants today.

It was incredibly moving to hear stories from the people who experienced the aftermath of suicide first hand. In the final exercise of the day, we went around the tables while eating lunch and shared stories about our loved ones who had been lost. When it was my time to speak, I said that I just preferred to listen and not speak. I really didn't know how to say that I didn't share the commonality that everyone else there shared. Also, being a gambler, I am at least a little superstitious and hate to have even written the last sentence for fear that I might have jinxed myself!

I did think, however, about the family friend who took her life just over three years ago. Cindy was one of my wife's closest friends. When Cindy and her husband still lived in town, we occasionally socialized with them as part of a larger group activity. One time, however, the four of us decided to head out to Turkey Run State Park in western Indiana for a day of tubing down Sugar Creek. The title of this post came from the part of day when both Cindy and Mrs. lightning had to go to the bathroom while in an area that had no public restrooms. Their solution: jump in the creek and just pee there. The look on their faces in the picture at the beginning of this post is classic. They were such bad girls!

Shortly after Cindy's suicide, I wrote a post about it. At the time we didn't know or understand why she did it. We are still not 100% certain, but it seems likely that some mysterious physical and psychological issues that she was having at the time motivated her to take her own life. Unfortunately, as much as Cindy tried to help heal the pain in others' lives, she kept her own pain hidden from most of those closest to her.

Although I couldn't feel the same extent of pain that the other people at the conference felt, I could identify with the shock of hearing devastatingly bad news and of searching for meaning despite it. The day Mrs. lightning and I found out that our son had cancer is a day that is forever seared in my memory. However, we were gifted the equivalent of a poker "one time" as our son had the cancer removed, did not even have to go through chemotherapy or radiation treatments, and now, over five and a half years later, remains cancer free. The difference, however, is that suicide doesn't offer the opportunity for that "one time."

So yes, I cried a little tonight when I thought about the pain that some of the people at the program suffered -- and how fortunate my life has been. I have been gifted some awesome run-good in life and try to remember that everyone isn't so lucky. I hope I never forget it.

Cindy Wall